Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Lost ......

Hi guys and gals....
Sorry for disappearing for a while, but I got a little lost in my stressed out mixed up world, but with assistance from a new friend I think I have been handed a much needed internal compass and I am on my way again...
I know most of my acquaintances family and friends think my blogger world a little weird but I have to say that I love the fact that none of you judge me or make assumptions about my choices and aspirations, you listen, you freely give advice and you accept my chosen direction... even if it was wrong...
and I know that when I come back and fess up to a mistake or poor choice or jump around like a lunatic because something has happened that is so fantastic I could burst you will all be there to join in the sorrow or the joy...
and I really appreciate you all for being there, a few words from you guys makes my world a little easier to traverse...
Thank you

Now after a good and yet bad weekend I had something at home on Sunday that had a very strange, but positive effect on my tired and fed up mind....
let me briefly fill you in with the weekend... I will try not to bore you to death...
This weekend gone was my Mum and Dads 50th wedding Anniversary, now let me set the scene and I realise that this is only my perspective of events and others namely my siblings would see it all differently... but this is my blog and I don't think they visit anyway...

Tuesday - felt awful, chest pains really tired and fed up
Wednesday - more of the same
Thursday - Village cafe, picked up golden wedding cake
Friday - raced around town picked up balloons, table cloths, confetti, wrapping paper and cards, picked up keys to hall
Saturday - spent 3 hours decorating hall, Mr P, lovely cousin and 2 brothers helped
1:30 raced home got Jamie, Danny and myself ready, Mr P went back down the hall to meet caterer at 2pm and stayed until I got back down there at 2:45, Mr P went home to get showered and changed came back at about 3:30...... spent the afternoon talking to family and friends and making sure everyone was fed and watered.... cleared up hall home by 7:30
children fed watered and in bed by 9pm
Had a fantastic Chinese take away and crashed out in front of the telly
crawled up to bed.....
Sunday - informed of "family dinner" at pub in my village.... Mr P informed me he was not going... he'd rather clean the kitchen
Got children ready went to pub, chose a bad seat, was penned in no means of escape
endured 3 hours of older brother preaching why fat people are fat... apparently we eat too much! duh!
he then went on to explain all about carbohydrates and proteins and basically berated fat people for being lazy and taking the easy option of taking the car to the supermarket and buying convenience food.... then proceeded to tell mum that she ate all the wrong food, mum trying to be polite ( a skill my brother gave up when he got his Doctorate) asked which documentary this was that he had garnered all of this fascinating information was given the "it was probably on the opposite channel to the soaps"
now I am sorry but how rude is that... he thought it humorous....
Apparently we should all have veg patches and tend their every need, talk to them and water them, peel them and lovingly prepare them and eat healthily....
This from a man that lives in France in a farmhouse that he is renovating with his own land and not one child, just a poor wife that talks to her veg...

I know I am fat, I know I need to exercise, I know I need to grow or buy and prepare healthy meals, I know I have to keep house run here and there and bring up 2 wonderful children that sometimes drive me nuts with their constant niggling at each other, but this proctotomist's dream is delusional if he thinks we all live like he does

Well after 3 hours of trying to ignore him, at a family meal where I couldn't finish a beautiful roast chicken dinner for guilt and denying myself a pudding because I was fat, I politely kissed everyone goodbye and wandered back up the hill to my little home, I informed Mr P of the dire state of my fragile mind and set my eyes upon the wonderfully clean and clear kitchen that he had so thoroughly cleaned...

I decided that I would clear my head and unwrap my seaside swap parcel that had arrived amidst the turmoil on Saturday.... thank you to Rachel at Contented for organising this swap and partnering me with such a lovely lady

This is where the compass and clearing of my mind occurred and I cannot thank Denise at a bun can dance for being my angel in my time of need....

Beautifully wrapped... as you can see....

and inside a superb array of goodies...


This "all at sea" fabric art is on my lounge wall and reminds me to keep calm and let it all float away...


the little pouch has pockets inside and I think I may fill it with a few of my calming herbal teas so that I am always equipped with a refreshing brew... the post cards are pictures that she has taken herself...

These 2 postcard lavender filled cushions are being regularly inhaled...

The windmills are popped into my aloe vera plant on the window sill to remind me of bright and cheerful times.. and the book... to be honest was just a book.... when you look at the cover its a book that you would not necessarily pick up, but as it sat on the kitchen counter I kept picking it up and looking at it and eventually I read a few lines.... then a paragraph.... then I took it to bed and read some more.... its all about how an American lady (the author) went to a little island to attempt to relax and the dawning realisation that woman are the hub in the wheel that is family, and that a woman only has so much to give before then run dry and that we need time and space to recharge and refill so that we can keep giving.... and this got me thinking....

For a while I have been hankering to have some me time, alone ...
away from everyone...
I just wanted to sit on a cliff top and feel the breeze (and probably the rain) on my face and forget about everything and just breath...
I think I knew I was running on empty and I don't mean fuel (food) but emotionally and deep within my being I am empty... I have been stripped bare by family, friends and school and I need to be quiet and calm and creative....
Being creative apparently feeds the soul and that is why I think I love to create and give things away, I knew it made me feel good but until I read this book I thought it was just me being daft... but just reading the words that have been thoughts fleeting through my own muddled head at times almost gave me permission to be selfish and do something to help myself....

So I have....


it will be my 38th birthday at the end of the month and I have booked a beech hut at Lyme Regis for a week.... I am going to take the children down but I am also having a couple of days when I don't.... and as Mr P is a contractor and the best I can do is to get him to finish work early on a Friday I have asked mum to have the children Friday and we can sit in our beach hut and watch the sun set and have a candle lit fish supper...


I haven't finished the book yet, but I am so grateful to Denise for somehow seeing the need in me and sending me such a saving grace and helping me see that the center of the wheel needs some attention and love and then the life and lives at the ends of the spokes will be happier for it...

Now if you have made it to the end of my ramblings I applaud you, and I apologise for it being so long but to be honest I needed to vent otherwise it would sour and take me with it... I realise all and sundry can read this and to be honest I don't mind because we all have problems and issues and to share them makes them seem less, plus if one of my siblings should read this perhaps they will listen long enough to realise that I am not so much in control as my exterior would lead people to believe, and that perhaps they can understand my resentment to attend family gatherings... if something makes you feel so low why would you willingly want to put yourself through it?

I am who I am, I use to like myself, and I will like myself again

Take care everyone
stay safe and well

and now that I have sent my parcel to Denise I have a couple more bits to make and I will do my give away... I think I will give all 7 items to one lucky winner as it is simple and clean

hugs to you all
Alex

PS Little louie kitten is a girl!

x

14 comments:

smilernpb said...

Awww hun, just got home and caught up on both your e-mail and your newest post.

I enjoyed (is that the right word?) reading them both, even though it was full of woes and stuff, it's real life! And that is why your blog is so popular. It's not (as we've discussed before) 'oh wow, my life is great, and nothing ever goes wrong for me' because, my dear, THAT is not real life! :o)

I'll reply to your e-mail shortly...but one thing made me reply on here - OMG - Louie is a GIRL? Oops.

Look after yourself xxx

pinkfairygran said...

This is an absolutely wonderful posting, a real from the heart, warts and all reveal. Too often we tend to be stiff upper lippish and keep things we think others might find uncomfortable to read/hear to ourselves... yet if we are not honest how can others know how we feel. If we don't say 'I need a break, please will you take my children for an afternoon' or something like that, then chances are, nobody will offer and we'll struggle on.
Well, most people do but I am afraid I have been selfish a lot of my life in some ways, and one is insisting on ME time, even when my sons were growing up. I am sure that because of the short time apart, or days stretching into a week apart at grandma's, we all felt the better for it and more appreciative of each other too. I would never be shy, back then, of asking my husband for help, never did feel I had to do it all.
Now I have all the time in the world to myself, lots of ME time to do just as I want, and I love it. Love too, the end of the day when my husband comes home, kisses me and asks after my day, even though it is humdrum filled with gardening, reading, snoozing, crafting, blogging, emailing, chores and the like.
You are you, unique, and cannot keep running on all cylinders without some free time, me time, off time. Enjoy it when you get it, but DON'T feel guilty about having it. So many women do.

Rachel said...

((hugs)) to you Alex. It's good to get everything out of your system once in a while. Families - we love them but they can be a real pain in the whotsit too. I'm glad that, albeit indirectly, my swap has helped to bring some sunshine to you at a tough time. Have a wonderful time at your beach hut - it looks absolutely perfect and what a lovely way to recharge your batteries.
Take care
Rachel xx

Josie said...

great post - nice to read (if that's the right word? I hope you know what I mean!) about real thoughts and feelings which at times need to come out and be written down and the time at the beach hut sounds wonderful just you and hubby and the sounds of the sea! Lovely stuff in your seaside swap!
as for older brother being rude, erm yes he was, me and hubby are lucky with the exception of my mum hubby's brother and family, everyone is fatter than us so they don't really comment, they treat us like people and at times it feels like all my mum can see is how fat we are and that we are people and have feelings. She can be very narrow minded at times. But I'm sure every family has someone like that...
Josie x

Menopausal musing said...

Light those candles, eat that fish supper and look at the view (even if it's raining). Savour every minute and store it up to take back out and reuse when it all gets too much again. Great post. A REAL post. x

Shabby Chick said...

Well done for putting up with your older brother - I could use some very rude words (am v angry he wrecked your meal) but as he's your brother I will hold back... I'm fat and I freely confess it's because I eat a lot of the wrong things but I don't need someone lecturing me about it!!! Big ((((((hugs))))))

The beach hut idea sounds wonderful by the way, I really hope you have a lovely time. And your goodies from Denise are divine, especially the postcard cushions :)

Really pleased to see you back, Mel xxx

A Bun Can Dance said...

Dear Alex
This is such a moving post and as has already been said, it is a refreshingly REAL post. Thank you for being open and honest with us, your blogging pals, because we really are here to accept each other as we are and not to judge.
When people say something hurtful, I just tell myself: "They can say anything they like, it doesn't mean it is true" - the issue is your brother's not yours. You are such a lovely kind generous and supportive blogging pal, and I am delighted that "Gift From the Sea" has inspired a glorious trip to Lyme. Happy, happy days to you,
Denise x

April said...

oh honey, well done for not smacking your brother in the mouth - which is what I would have done!!! Some people just get off on being judgemental. You are lovely and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. No one has the right to pass judgement on other people's lifestyle choices, don't let them get you down, just relax and enjoy your beach hut

Hugs

April xx

bekimarie said...

Beautiful post!
You must have the patience of a saint to of put up with your brother for 3 hours, I think I would of walloped him.
What a great idea booking the beach hut, I hope you have a wonderful time.
((hugs))
Beki xxx

Jenn said...

I am so glad you did get it 'off your chest' so to speak. And I agree and rarely attend family gatherings...can't see putting myself or my little family through the drama and emotional roller coaster because we are not like everyone else, don't have what they have and don't agree.
I love the beach hut and Happy Birthday a little early!
And yes I am back...things are still rough, but better *HUGS*
Thank you again for the lovely yarn!

Jenn

JuliaB said...

A fish supper by the sea sounds like bliss to me, as does healing time on one's own which I have enjoyed from time to time. Have a wonderful and restorative time and don't get wound up by that brother of yours. (Perhaps he could lend you his farmhouse when he goes on hols!!). x

Gingerbread said...

Oh Alex, That must have been so hard to sit and listen to your brothers unfeeling comments, how no one has bopped him on the nose I don't know. This is someone you can tell dose not have any children, or have so much time on his hands that he can sit back and make so many comments about how people should live, and can't see why they can not do it his way. Your kids are fed well and loved, you have a hubby who cleans your kitchen. I say your doing fine girl, bring on the second helping of pud if you want it, I do. Your escape to the beach hut sounds wonderful enjoy every moment. I enjoyed your post to. P.S hope I did not say to much about your brother. best wishes Julie.C

Snippety Gibbet said...

Aw, Shuggar. I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure such incredible crap. Your brother sure acted like an ass. Having a phd or whatever is not a license to hurt people. Schmuck. I hope that your get away is delightful and renewing. I hope you eat lots of cheesecake and ice cream...and thumb your nose at your brother. jan

Rob McPhillips said...

Thanks for the visit, Love the beach hut and louie, sweet.